August Musings

A Lesson In Lessons

Happy August friends! As a Leo, I wish I could say I love August but the truth is, living in Arizona means relinquishing my love for my birth month in favor of the months that follow. I’m a tried and true fan of Fall, and so I suppose in a way, I love August because it at least represents the final month before my favorite season is ushered in.

So far, August has been even busier than its predecessors, with editing of Thrones Of Shadows And Flames well under way. The goal is to have the entire manuscript edited before both my editor and I leave for Villains & Vixens the first week in September. I think we are on track, but it means a lot of late nights and working in small gaps between marketing, momming, and just generally living (gestures wildly to the world around us).

The closer we get to this book being in your hands, the more panicked I become. It isn’t that I think it’s a bad book, it’s more like recognizing that something I have spent nearly an entire year on between planning, plotting, and writing is coming to an end. And as I race to the finish line, berating myself under my breath for not working harder or going faster, a small voice desperately screams from some back corner of my mind that I should be enjoying this process. Which seems ridiculous to me because does that little voice not realize just how much I have to do before this book is ready for my beta readers? For arcs? There is no time to slow down and enjoy because… Because.

And here is where the title, A Lesson In Lessons, comes into play.

When I wrote Crowns Of Stars And Tides, I truly thought the hardships I experienced writing that story would be the toughest of my little author career. (Are you laughing? It’s okay if you are…). Then TOSAF came in, and said, “Lol, girl you don’t even know.”

If you’ve been a member of my newsletter for a while now, you know that writing this book redefined what it mean to struggle as a writer. I learned what real writers block (for me) looked like. I learned that no matter how much I love my characters and story and world, there will come a point when I want to bash my head against the wall because I’m frustrated by having to be the only one who can tell this story.

I used to think that my enjoyment of my writing was a measurement of how much others would enjoy the story. Like a strange sliding scale, the more I enjoyed writing, the more others would enjoy reading. And I suppose that is true, to a degree. Though, I enjoyed writing every minute of HOSAM while there were times in COSAT that I just wanted the book done and yet, many would argue that book two is the better written and more enjoyed book. Then came book three. The penultimate story. The book where the storylines converge (or go away completely because, you know, death).

But suddenly, the enjoyment just wasn’t there. Or it was dependent on how many words I could force my brain to write in a day. And as I pushed myself to write more and more, convinced it was all pointless anyway because I was struggling so deeply, I hit a point where I truly thought I had used up every modicum of talent I had managed to scrape together on books one and two. There was simply nothing left, and I would have to run away and change my name and maybe just do a blog post about what happens in the series to at least give closure to those of you that care about our beloved characters…

Remember, I am a Leo. Being dramatic runs in my blood.

Obviously, that didn’t happen. I finished writing the manuscript and while I wish I could say that at some point I found enjoyment in the entirety of the writing process, that would be a lie. But, while editing, I have had time to reflect on this story a lot more from a different space. I don’t know if this is true from, like, a scientific place, but I swear writing, and editing my writing, activate different parts of my brain. And as I have been editing this beast of a book, I have found enjoyment in that. In reading a sentence that isn’t quite portraying what I wanted it to and tweaking it just enough for the emotion to hit.

So what is the lesson here? Upon said reflection, I think it’s that each book is going to challenge me in different ways. There isn’t some pinnacle moment (at least for me) where I’m going to conquer all the things that might disrupt an author as they attempt to write, and as someone who is an eldest millennial daughter, the idea that I can’t beat writers block/burn out/general days of being “off”, makes me want to pull my hair out.

But, I have also recognized that there was and is a lot of fear within me regarding this book. Three books into a series is a lot to ask of people to give their attention to. It’s a lot of self-imposed pressure to make sure that I’m doing the story justice. It’s being terrified that readers won’t like where I’ve taken their beloved characters (even if I have always known this was where they were going).

Here is what I can tell you, now that I am weeks removed from the writing process: I love this story. I love these characters. This is, from a technical standpoint, the most difficult book I’ve ever written but I think it just might be the most beautiful. The most thought provoking. The most haunting. And though that fear simmers beneath my skin in perpetuity, I’m bolstered by the fact that I do love this book.

And, my editor says it’s pretty good too lol.

I’m also motivated by knowing there are going to be scenes you all will freak out over ;)